Lost my fighting spirit :(

Shadow22 started this discussion · 3/9/2014

Okay, so this is kind of pole related and not...But I've found talking about issues with strangers seems to help a lot more than talking with people I know. Basically, I've lost my fighting spirit, and I used to have tonnes of it :( Nothing stood in my way, if I wanted to achieve something I'd fight for it, like pole I want to achieve so much and get so far with it. But recently I've stopped going to lessons and the X-pole is still in my shopping basket. I watch videos of you all advancing and I'm like "I want to do that!" But the fire in my belly seems to have gone out and I don't know how to get it back. I think it stems from my ex boyfriend a few months ago, I was with him for 2 years and we were crazily in love, we knew we wanted to be together for a long time, we'd decided on future careers, filled out forms for first time buyers looking for a house, I was settled. Then out of the blue, he left me for another woman in his hometown and I was left destroyed. I got over it, but then my grandad passed away a week before Christmas. I got over that, then my college work started piling up and everything just seems to be escalating. And it's put my fire out, I feel low all the time, I cry, I'm not the pillar of strength I used to be. I want it back :( Any advice or slaps will be greatly appreciated! L Xxx

11 replies

tiggertail · 3/9/2014
Life is full of up and down, and when you're busy with things that touch you emotionnaly it's even worst. I've been off pole for a while and i know that some of the girls did the same thing it will come back don't worry. The best tips i can give you is to keep moving forward, in pole and life. Sometime you have to push yourself and even if it's only baby step it will help you in the long term. I understand that you had your life plan ahead and suddenly it doesn't work anymore. Try making short term project for your life, give yourself a little challenge. You just need to get your life back on track, and you can do it!!! Being strong is not just standing in hard time, it's also reaching for help and advices when you need it. ;)
AnnVann · 3/9/2014
Shadow, you are grieving. Losing a two-year relationship is a big deal. Then add the loss of your granddad, the holidays (seems to make things worse), and you have the perfect storm for a bout of depression. My advice is to #1 - be nice to yourself. You will come out of this. #2- Make a list each day of very small steps you can accomplish. Even if it's something like "take shower". Or "put on makeup". Nothing is too small to list. #3 - Try to think of something that can begin to lift you up, so you can look forward to something. Going to the movies? A hike? The spa? Long-distance call with old friend? Don't worry about putting up the pole for a few weeks. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you don't feel any peppier in two or three weeks, maybe go to a counselor? Just don't give up - this too shall pass!
Veena · 3/9/2014
Hi Shadow! Everyone has great points, I agree that is sounds like you're grieving, and that's difficult but normal. We grieve many things when it comes to big life changes and not just death, and you've had 2 changes. Talking to a counselor could be very helpful!! One thing I don't like to see happen with ANY pole dancer is comparing themselves with others, or assuming that the length of time they have been dancing should equal that they can do XYandZ on the pole. My take on pole dance is it's often not about progressing into trick after trick with the goal of advancing to handsprings and Ayashas! It's more fulfilling when it's about the journey, the feeling you have when you allow your body to just move and be in the moment, even if you think it feels weird or looks bad, it's fulfilling for the soul. Tricks are fun and can be a great motivator but if it's the only focus you'll find can take the joy out of pole. I'm so truly sorry for your losses, within a few years my sister and dad passed away and it does change you, but it can also help you remember that life it short and we should not waste our time. If there is something you want go for it, do it for those who loved you. They'd want you to be happy. The ex didn't know what he had, don't let him stop you from enjoying life! xoxoxoxo
Shadow22 · 3/15/2014
Right. That's it. I am THROUGH with being like this! You are all so right! And the worse part is if this was my friend in my situation I'd be telling her the same thing!! Last night my current boyfriend broke up with me, and there he was in work today (yes, we worked together, rookie mistake!) all happy, smug, laughing. He wasn't hurt at all! And it made me SO ANGRY! So you know what? F**k him, and f**k the rest of them! Here is my list to get back on track!: 1. Complete all my college work and graduate in July. 2. Start back at driving lessons and pass my driving test. 3. Work my ASS off and make millions of pennies and buy a load of cats. 4. Work out so hard with pole I end up looking like the hulk! 5. Work out so hard with my Zumba and throw shapes like Shakira. 6. Be goddamn awesome. Forever. So there it is, small but will take time to complete but I am so damn determined and I know my fellow polers will help me along the way :) Thank you so much for the advice! Cariad mawr! (Much love!) Lisa. Aka Shadow :) Xxx
JoleneBell · 3/15/2014
First of all... cut yourself some slack. A lot of it! I'm serious. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would if you were a friend of yourself comforting you. You've just been through a lot. It's like a massive life changing punch in the stomach. Take it easy. Love on yourself. Wrap yourself in your own arms and let yourself cry. Snuggle up with a blankey and watch some feel good movies. If you have a dog, cuddle the snot out of that pooch! If not, find someone else's dog and cuddle theirs. Paint your nails. Go get a massage. Do whatever little things make you feel content and joyful. A breakup is emotionally devastating. How tough! I hear you. I don't want to bash on your ex, but yikes that would be massively hurtful to see him laughy-happy while you grieve. Ouch. I'd feel sick! You'll walk through this, and be better for it. Your fighting spirit will come back. It already is, through you posting this very message. If it wasnt there, and you had given up, you wouldn't be reaching out. :)
soko · 3/16/2014
Don't push yourself too hard and don't feel guilty.. Maybe you just need a time out! Do other things that make you happy and soon you'll be back.. I used to feel guilty when I didn't wanna dance but I realise that I just wanted some time off from pole.. :) xx
Legs4Days · 3/16/2014
I once read that when break ups happen, it's a way of a higher spirit moving that person out of our way so that another, better suited one can take his/her place. The same with jobs. I think I believe that.
Just4Pole · 3/16/2014
Legs4Days. I wanted to thank you for these words as they are helpful for me as well. Also, I want to thank this venue (i.e., Veena) for sharing this website and newsletter. Very helpful. Additionally, I have been researching yoga as a lifestyle change. Here is an article http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12962/the-dos-donts-of-helping-a-friend-whos-depressed.html , from that website on depression that is worth the read. It's about how to help others, but I think it can be applied to oneself as well.
mindbodygreenHow Do You Help A Friend Who's Depressed? 9 Do's & Don'tsHere's how to make sure you're offering the right kind of support.
Just4Pole · 3/16/2014
Shadow21. I just want to say that I understand and cyber-hug. It is a terrible feeling but time will take care of it. It is great to have such a supportive environment here at SV.
polebravely · 2/11/2015
I just happened on this discussion, I don't know how or why, but I just wanted to give you hugs. I know it's been almost a year and I hope life is going better for you now. Hope you are well and poling and happy and with a guy who deserves you!
Summerthyme · 2/12/2015
Hi Shadow! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a really tough time. Dealing with any kind of loss takes time to heal. You have faced more than one and you need to be good to YOU. It's a process that has no time limit. I want to share a poem with you......The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering......I think of it when times get tough and is hard to get back up. You will get through this and you will grow and transform from it, like a beautiful butterfly emerging from a cacoon. Focus on you right now and what you need. Depression is a huge hurdle to get through and sometimes we all need help so don't be afraid to ask for it. That pole and all the rest of your dreams will still be waiting for you when you start feeling good again. Keep your chin up sweetie it will get better a little by little each day and you will be a much stronger and wiser woman from it. Take care!