To Tell or Not To Tell, That is the question.

DarlingNikki started this discussion · 5/11/2012

I'm so happy that I have found a sport/art that I really enjoy. I'm the type of person that like's to tell everyone I'm close to about things I enjoy. Pole is something I haven't told anyone about except my mom and my brothers. My mom at first seemed like she had a problem with me doing it but never said anything about it. She came with me to one of my classes and then began to lighten up and said she didn't see anything wrong with it. My brother's were surprisingly supportive and let me know if it makes me happy to just do it. My grandparent's and extended family on the other hand are different. I'm scared to tell them, but I hate keeping secrets. On my way to pole class I've been having to lie about where I'm going, lol and it's just getting ridiculous. I know some of them may not understand. How have you dealt with this issue?

29 replies

Blaque Diamond · 5/11/2012
Have you ever thought of just calling it pole fitness? Ive found that when I approach it on a fitness angle they are more receptive. If you say you're going to pole dancing class, they're automatically thinking you're learning to be a stripper. When approaching it from a fitness angle those that could possibly be open minded to it are given a better opportunity to be. But surely you are a grown woman, and your family memembers may not like it, they still love you Im sure <3
Veena · 5/12/2012
It's totally normal to feel worried about telling the people you care about that you pole! Remember though, the more everyone talks about it like it's normal, the better it will be. Not talking about something makes it seem like that something is wrong. Show them videos or even this site! I still have family that doesn't approve of what I do but I'll keep on talkin! ❤️
Piaketz · 5/12/2012
My advice would be to choose who you tell. Ideally, I would love to tell everyone about it too, and open up discussions with skeptical people regarding the art of beauty of pole. There are still a lot of biases in the real world though, and you don't want their closed-mindedness to bite you in the butt. You can feel a person out sometimes by bringing up the subject of pole without directly saying that you do it. While most people have been extremely supportive of me, I've had some bad reactions professionally when a friend from work told a whole bunch of people who started to see me differently, and it affected my work relationships with them.
DarlingNikki · 5/12/2012
Thanks for all the advice ladies. It helps!
NaughtyLibrarian · 5/12/2012
I find playing up the artistry aspect helps too. If I'm talking to someone who I know might not "get it", I have Natasha Wang's Black Swan performance ready and waiting on my phone. Very few people can watch that and not be awed.
Rena LadyBug · 5/12/2012
It took me a while beforr i started sharing my love of pole w/ other people. There will be people who snub their nose at it and some who are interested in trying it. Be prepared for the mixed reactions. I dont regret sharing it at all. The funny thing is my grandmother tells people about it bc she is proud of what i can do and how much weight i had lost. I was scared to share, but in doing so Ive opened peoples eyes to the sport, that its not only for strip clubs. The more we share, the more people will be accepting of how we choose to work out! :) but share when u are ready!
GypsyKatt · 5/12/2012
I tell most people I take a yoga/pilates/dance class. If they insist-then I tell them its pole. But I expound on the fact that its the dance, and the strength (and the sisterhood of my classes) that is what we're after. And once you show them a small move that demonstrates a bit of that strength--I've never had a person look down upon me. My whole family knows. :) my mom proudly tells people I do it for fitness and I enjoy it!
Yella Bunny · 5/12/2012
I tell people straight out I pole dance and take lessons (If they ask me first). Then I usually have to explain the fitness benefits of it, my goals, my gains and how much respect I have for it. If you don't express to people your respect for it, they won't respect it either. Also, like another wise poster stated, be choosey who receives this information. You're co-workers don't need to know your hobbies and fitness routine (unless you feel they are geniunely interested). My family and friends support me. I invite them to the studio I go to showcases and and show them videos of things I am working towards. But do what's comfortable for you.
finesse · 5/12/2012
I struggle a lot with this in my day job, particularly because i work for a conversative bank.... but my immediate boss and co-workers all know, especially since I teach and a few of them have taken classes from me. Outside of work, I tell almost everyone I meet and always offer them classes :) For the most part, I feel like it's always well-received. I felt a little weird telling my parents at first, but they were very supportive and curious about it when I told them. Lol, in fact my mom now tells everyone I do it. Like GypsyKatt, if i'm in a work setting with a mixed group of people I don't know that well, I'll simply tell them I teach a fitness class, with ties to dance.
Suzara · 5/12/2012
I agree, reactions of some people are funny. I have learned work should be about work and not personal stuff. Save it for your real friends and always emphasis the fitness benefits of pole dancing.
sexygyrl · 5/12/2012
I too was a little nervous about telling people when I first started. I wasn't sure how it would be received. The first person I told was my mother as I was on the way to pole class...I told her I was going to dance class and she asked what kind of dance. I told her I wasn't sure she wanted to know...She said try me. I said pole and she said oh COOL! I wish I could do that! I was quite surprised one day I'd sent my mother a link for a video I'd used for a showcase entry and her response was "I've seen your flow MUCH better. This was not your best work, but good luck." Imagine my shock when she told me she shows my pics to her co-workers!! My mother is who actually took the picture that is used as my profile pic here! We were in Mexico and I was fiending for a climb, a spin, or ANYTHING. I never did find a suitable street pole, that thick thing was as close as I got! I was nervous about telling my conservative father (closed minded?) father who doesn't even wear shorts because he doesn't think men should. He has actually been supportive and has "liked" a few of my pics on FB. If I talk to him after class he always asks how was it, did I have fun, and did I learn anything new. 😮 I too usually try to keep my private life private at work. I had become friends with some...who commented on me looking leaner. They started asking about my "dance" classes so I finally told them it was pole. Now, there are 5 of my co-workers who take classes regularly and sometimes we make Girl's Day out of it...pole+eating+shopping! There are 2 more that are coming to "try it" in the next few weeks. I proudly "check-in" on Facebook whenever I'm hitting the studio. Some folks have been curious enough to see what it is that I'm checking into and clicked on the name. My mentor from school actually asked me questions about it on my FB wall (again, imagine my shock that she didn't just text me or send me a FB message). A cousin said she needs to find some pole classes because I look good and it must be fun since I'm always going.
markemajor5596 · 5/12/2012
Virtually everyone is "familiar" with this activity through media presentation of it as a form of exotic dance. When you tell your 53 year old father you do this all he'll understand is you're practicing to be a stripper; at best he'll tolerate the idea because he loves you, and might keep an open mind but isn't likely to encourage you. Practice discretely and regularly, building skill and strength. When he asks how that "stripper pole" thing is going perhaps share a video of some of the stellar performances out there. When shopping for a pole flatter him by asking his advice (though he knows nothing and you've already decided) and ask his help setting it up- he wants you to be safe, after all, and he'll be impressed with the design and workmanship that goes into these things. I guarantee you he will take a clumsy spin if nobody is looking. Then take daddy out to a regional competition and he'll be delighted by the lovely spectators but more importantly be so impressed with it he'll call it what it is; pole atheletics. Pole atheletics will never be divorced from the "stripper pole" entirely- it seems our society cannot see women apart from sexualism (yet to be fair I must say women do much to perpetuate this). For whatever reasons we find the image of a man in a battle, alone, coughing his last blood-foamed breath more acceptable than a woman celebrating her sensuality in public, so being as it is don't expect a hero's welcome upon announcement of your avocation. It will be generations before this is widely accepted. Don't give up.
Lana Lee · 5/13/2012
I am very particular with who I share this with. I would NEVER tell my co-workers that I'm doing pole fitness. Pole FITNESS or not, they're going to automatically assume I'm doing dirty pelvic grinds on a pole and that I'm preparing a fallback career if my current respectable career choice is going to fall through. I know it's very different with everyone but not every single one of my family members know that I am doing pole. Sure my immediate family know about it, but my aunts or uncles or cousins do not. And I am totally 100% OK with this. If they so happen to find out, I'm sure they won't jump to the conclusion that I'm stripping for money, they'll just look at me funny and give me the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps your grandparents and extended family might give you the benefit of the doubt too if they realize that it's a fitness thing and that your mom and brothers are cool with it. Maybe bring it up when your mom is around so she can enthusiastically tell your grandparents and extended family all the cool things you can do on a pole.
Angie La · 5/13/2012
Oooo this is always a good topic. I was very shy and secretive about it until I could do a reverse grab in jeans. Street poling is also a great ice breaker and the you learn who your real friends are! I am almost kidding... ;) For me it depends on how it comes up. I don't just start talking about it when it hasn't come up. If I just learned a new move and am on a new move high, then I could blab and show it to people who already know. Often now, the muscles speak for themselves. If the topic of exercise comes up and it is directed at me, I say my way is a bit unconventional since I do vertical acrobatics--ya know, pole dance/pole fitness. I also add in (joking but not really) that I technically am a stripper. I usually have my stuff on underneath other yoga pants and tanks tops, and strip down as I go. There are some people who are not worth telling so they will be able to hear about it from someone else and have something to talk about for a year. Veena has a shirt that says "my gym shoes are hotter than yours." and if they see your muscles, and process it is actually a real workout...and they are still weird about it...then they are scared or jealous that one would be that bold enough to try. Jealously is a great form of flattery. I have also heard it was a disease, "get well soon biachtezzz.". Follow your heart and then just don't give a crap. The muscles say it all!! Oh and I'd I have a special event coming up and infant make to to another function, AND they ask me what it is, I don't lie about it. I won't say I am going to a concert or baking cookies. I'd say I'm going to a pole workshop and most people are very curious, and still afraid to think that it may really be a great workout. Hehe
Angie La · 5/13/2012
Sorry that was not supposed to be infant.. It was couldn't make it to... Anyway. Another thing I notices is that do keep a photo of an impressive move on hand and then people are like, wooooowwww. Talking about it like it is just another normal thing is a great way to handle it. It is a very big part of my life and much money is spent on it--better that than alcohol or drugs, right! ;) I'll try to refrain from wearing my shoes to a Christmas part but Halloween? It is ON!
nichtooks · 5/13/2012
My work collegues are ALL men. Literally I am the only female (and I am also the youngest by a good 15 years!) I didn't tell them until a couple of weeks ago when the son of one the guys came round with the window cleaner as his helper... yeah, he couldn't fail to notice the wacking great pole in the middle of my dining room! So obviously the topic came up at home and he told his dad who mentioned it to me next time he saw me. The guys have all been really good about it. They've been suprised, and somewhat shocked I think but haven't been degrading about it. Worst they've come up with is saying they'll book me as the entertainment for the christmas party, and it'll be a no wives/gf social :) Personally, i just take that as a compliment xD Seeing as they're all blokes though, they're more interested in the videos I have of me falling off the pole, rather than doing something awesome! They find it hilarious. I find it harder to tell females than I do males. I can cope with fellas making sleazy comments and give them some banter back. I find if women don't like it they tend to be a lot nastier and bitchier though, which I have less time for.
Eileen Jennifer · 5/13/2012
I told my parents just a week ago about me doing pole, and I told them by showing them one of Natasha Wang's performances. My dad immediately said, "That's hard!" and I was like, "I want to be able to do that one day!" My parents ballroom dance, so my mom said, "Why don't you come to our studio and we'll teach you how to dance" and I said, "HELL NO. I don't wanna ballroom dance, I wanna pole!" I told my cousins yesterday at our Mother's Day dinner get-together at our grandparents' house and one of my cousins has a friend who poles, so he has respect for us pole dancers because he knows it's hard and requires an extraordinary amount of skill, strength, and persistence. All in all, my family took my pole dancing very well, and I can talk openly about it with my parents, which makes me so happy. I can't wait for the day when they actually get the chance to see what I can do!
Tali Kat · 5/13/2012
I tell my friends and family and they have all been supportive of me which has been fantastic. When my friends come over they usually ask me to do a trick or teach them a move. I'm going to organise a girls day pole party with them because they all seem so keen to have a go :D Having said that I keep it off facebook because there are certain work colleagues out there I don't want to know. I'm in the middle of completing my degree in science and I don't want pole to be the reason I don't get a job :( I really hope it will be accepted as an olympic sport one day and eventually the stigma with it will disappear. :D
DarlingNikki · 5/15/2012
Thanks everyone for the replies and sharing your stories with me. At the end of the day regardless of what anyone else thinks, I'll continue doing this.
HellOnHeelsNH · 5/15/2012
Ive thought about how to respond to this over the past couple days and here is my honest opinion. I am one of those types of women who doesn't care what others people opinions are unless they are important people to me, and even then their opinion is their right, and living my life the way I want is my right :) No matter what women do they are sexualized...even if pole started as a sport instead of strip clubs, men would find a way to sexualize it. So I say be proud of who you are and what you do in your life. Make your own path to happiness, and travel it with your head up and a swing in your step that states you own your life and your choices regardless of negative energies thrown your way :) I know my path will have an pole on it so I can change my direction with a swing and a spin :) that should confuse em! ;)
DarlingNikki · 5/15/2012
@HellOnHeelsNH Well Said! :-)
MissEvie · 5/15/2012
I AM POOR - And still in grad school. I think the timing is right when I have a really good job and my own dance studio. My family is oober conservative and my dad owns his own business with many male employees and customers. Unfortunately, they probably wouldn't believe me right now if I said I'm doing it for fitness because they know how much money I could make (and could defintely use) if I were to dance at a club, which is out of the question for me. I WANT TO BE VIEWED AS A PROFESSIONAL!!
PoleFitMom · 5/15/2012
When I first made up my mind that I wanted a pole my husband was all for it. We didn't tell anyone because at the time I wanted it to make me feel more sexy. I had just had 2 kids within 20 months of each other and I felt really down about how my body changed from what it was pre-pregnancy. Although it was also going to be used to get back into shape I wasn't worried about telling my mom. She was here when it was delivered and actually had some very negative things to say about it. So we waited until she left. After what she said I never brought it up to anyone. About 6 months later I began teaching, so we told my in-laws who were very nice and understanding (super conservative devote catholics). I talk to my Grandparents about 4-5 times per week, and my Gma thought it was doing something similar to jazzercize! LOL. It wasn't until I was accepted to compete that I came out of my "pole closet". I was really worried about what they would say and think, but my Gpa cracked a joke about "I know where you get pole dancing from, Your Gma. She used to dance around a May Pole" - So after that I was all the way out and posted things and talking about it freely. It is hard to do, especially when someone who is so open minded bashes it and makes negative comments. I will say, my mother came around and is super supportive and amazed by what I can do. And maybe people need to open up to it in their own time. And don't feel down if it does happen, you have a whole community here (something I had not found until I was about 7 months into my pole journey) who wants to support you :o) xoxo
DarlingNikki · 5/15/2012
Thanks PoleFitMom ❤️
aliceBheartless · 5/15/2012
I started pole with my sister because we wanted to take a dance class together and I had no dance experience, while she had trained dancing for most of her life. We settled on pole because it looked like fun and we wanted to start at the same level. I grew up in a pretty conservative family, with LOTS of brothers, and I didn't want my family to just think that I was getting in to this to become an exotic dancer. Not realizing that I would love it so much, I just never told them what I was doing, only that I was taking a dance class. Fast forward a few years, when I am indoctrinated in pole, I love it, and I dont know why I didnt say something in the first place because making a big deal of it now definitely makes it seem like a bigger deal than it really was. Recently, I had the opportunity to dance a solo in a burlesque show that was put on by the aerial dance company I teach and train with. My mom had wanted to see me perform so she made a trip of it. I didnt really tell her about the pole I would be doing. But she totally got it! She understood with no explanation why I would get irked at people for touching a clean pole with their hands (a pretty big joke by the end of the show), why my costume was tiny, how skin is important to grip, and how pole as apparatus was no different than my trapeze work, the silks and ring pieces and the group chair dance. I clearly had not given my mother enough credit! At this point, my current co-workers know (they all came to support me in an earlier run of the burlesque show), my family I suppose sort of knows bc my mom saw my show (again, I DON"T make announcements), and all of my friends here in Hawaii know. But a lot of people still don't know back home, and I am fine with that. I cannot control the reactions of others, and no matter how silly I think it is that someone wouldn't be ok with it, it's still their opinion, which they are entitled to, just like me. I do work in a male-dominated field, and if the sub-contractors I worked with knew about it, I think I would definitely be judged for it and not treated as the professional that I am. To some degree I already have these issues simply for being a woman. To me, while its a beautiful hobby that I enjoy, I don't need the validation from people I don't consider close to me. I am by nature very private, and I do not have pole pics/vids on facebook or anything because I don't feel I need to share this special part of me with everyone. Just the ones that matter to me.

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