Thoughts on studios being TOO sexual?

The Iron Lady started this discussion · 11/21/2014

So I recently had my level 3 pole graduation at a studio that, until now, I was pretty happy with! Before I explain further, I just want to say that I am in pole dancing for the sport, physical conditioning and art of it and not for the sexual side. I believe that a dance can be "sexy" but modest and artistic at the same time. So when it came time to perform, all performances went off without a hitch. Until my studio started announcing that they were having "striptease" and "lapdancing" workshops which I wasn't really comfortable with, but I thought to myself, "well ok, I just will choose different workshops to go to". I was really shocked when at the end of the graduation one of the teachers called out an audience member (my friend's boyfriend) to give him a "prize". This "prize" turned out to be a lapdance. So one of our instructors was giving the boyfriend of my friend a lapdance in front of the whole studio. I felt like this had really crossed a line. Firstly because it is so demeaning for that instructor to be giving some random person a lapdance and secondly because this is against a lot of things I stand for. Pole dancing should empower women and not have them giving lapdances to other peoples' boyfriends. I don't have a problem with this happening, but I really do believe there should have been some warning or opt out option. But there wasn't. I think it was really unprofessional making everyone (even those like me who are not comfortable with this) watch all of that going on. Anyway... rant over... what are your thoughts? I'm considering switchihng studios!

14 replies

Phoenix Hunter · 11/21/2014
I would probably punch a bitch for lapdancing on my boyfriend. I feel bad your friend. and yes, that is uncomfortable for everyone to watch. I like lapdancing and like watching it, but you need to do that shit with someone more suitable---like your own boyfriend/girlfriend or another instructor or student who is ok with that. I dont think it is demeaning for the instructor to give a lap dance if she likes doing it , just choose someone more appropriate. lapdancing is not demeaning for those who enjoy doing it. for them it is about entertaining and being creative. some people enjoy the sexy dancing because it is fun for them . they enjoy it the way you enjoy poling for fitness. lapdancing is a performance. but No, I dont think picking someone's boyfriend was appropriate at all. --- but about choosing another studio. pole dancing has strong roots in strip tease, lap dancing, and strip clubs. be prepared that almost all studios will offer these types of classes and will have those types of performances in their showcases. if you like poling you will just have to accept that, that type of dancing is gonna happen. doesnt mean you have to do it yourself or even like it. But you are right that her decision to do what she did is very inappropriate.
hookedonpole · 11/21/2014
Iron Lady, you will probably got some feedback about sexy/sensual dance being a part of pole fitness. Even though it is, I totally understand you. I struggle with same thing. First, let me say that IF my body could do it, I would participate in the sensual side of pole, but it doesn't. I've tried and look like a dufus. I love seeing others though. I do agree there is a time and a place. That being said because I don't participate in that aspect, I pick and choose when to attend classes and for which workshops to sign up. The studio I attend has been having more sexy/sensual/burlesque, etc and the gals LOVE it. I'm glad for them, but I don't go. Sometimes I feel left out, but that's my choice. I'm glad there is a mixture of styles so I can still pole there. There is another studio I attend farther away that also has different classes/styles. I have gone to a studio long time ago that ONLY focused on sensual dance, stilettos, etc. I was out of place and stopped. I think if there is a mixture and there is a place for your goals, you could participate in that. However, if the studio conducts itself in a way that makes you uncomfortable and you can't get past it, then you won't enjoy poling. Like PH said, a studio may have this type of dance, but hopefully you find one that is well-rounded like the ones I attend. Good luck.
Phoenix Hunter · 11/21/2014
well said hookedonpole! I feel lucky that my studio has a balance of both sides too. I dont want to always dance sexy, in fact I mostly like to just do tricks 90% of the time. it's important to find a good home base where you feel you belong.
Lucca Valentine · 11/21/2014
I would probably switch studios...there are just some studios that that is their MO and it's never been something that's appealing to me. Having workshops and classes that are sexual are great! More power to them and that's part of where the art form came from, it's just a fact. However, it's evolved to so much more than that now and the people who are really serious about it/into it understand that, even if they do love the sexy side of pole dancing! It seems like it would be a serious lack if self awareness to not acknowledge they more lyrical/contemporary types of pole that has emerged as well as the more gymnastic/trick focused type of pole, and that focusing mainly on the hyper sexualized version can be alienating. That being said, giving someone else's boyfriend a lap dance is ENTIRELY inappropriate. I've known some studios to do lap dance stuff at small showcases or award ceremonies like that, but it's done with other girls in the class/instructors as the receivers and it's done in a cheeky/playful way. The studio I go to (on the occasion I do go) has burlesque classes, "pussycat pole" which is a heels only sexy pole class, but they also offer things like ballet classes intended to improve poler/aerialist dance flow and none of their upper level pole classes are sexualized at all. Level 1 had some sexy element, but again is kept to a minimum and really just speaks to the fact that (arguably) most women are attracted to pole to rediscover their sensuality/sexuality and be a little cheeky in a safe space. Typically though it seems the ones that stay have a keen interest in tricks (often to revisit sexy later in their pole journey....but I digress) Anyways! Long story long/TLDR: I would personally change studios, and maybe even voice your concerns with the studio owner. if I were the business owner I would want to be aware that I was alienating an otherwise dedicated section of my clientele. And that boyfriend situation is so out of line.
chemgoddess1 · 11/22/2014
How did your friend feel about it?
Runemist34 · 11/22/2014
While certainly not meaning to take away from Chem's question (because it is very valid and should be something to think about), I feel that I need to do some defense-work. First of all, while you say "I don't have a problem with this happening," you HAVE just written an entire post about it, and you ALSO called it demeaning, so... I would say that, yes, you have a problem with it. Now, the fact that you have a problem with it is PERFECTLY OKAY. I just want to put that out there: Your opinion of these things is YOUR opinion, and absolutely okay. I am, in no way, intending to tell you that you should change your mind, or suddenly change your feelings about these sorts of happenings. Your feelings are yours, and that's how it should be. However, I would like to talk about the "demeaning" part. To say that giving someone a lapdance is "demeaning" is similar to saying that I am being demeaned by my action of making my boyfriend a sandwich. However, the fact that I am making him food, and fulfilling a very old ritual associated with a time in which women were considered useful objects, does not automatically mean that those are the reasons for which I am performing the action. How my relationship looks in that moment does not display the entirety of it- and, nor does one lapdance display the full breadth and depth of a person's emotional well-being, their feelings about the lapdance, or the reasons behind it. What I am trying to say is this: Demeaning depends on how the person who is doing the action feels about the action itself. If she felt she was lowering herself, doing something she would not normally do, but felt like she HAD to, or generally doing something she felt was demeaning, then it IS demeaning. I also would like to point out that this may be her preferred form of art. She's teaching it as an art form, and her many reasons for doing so likely have nothing with the fact that she is wanting to "demean women." Quite the contrary, I'm sure. If a person would like to add sexuality to their form of art, whether it be turning pole dancing into strip tease, or chair dancing into a lapdance, is THEIR choice. And, you can certainly choose not to participate! I recall a certain school in the UK saying that they would not allow a pole dancing club because "Women had been tricked into believing it was empowering." We all know that this is incorrect: We feel that it is empowering, and so it IS empowering. We cannot be "tricked into it," we feel that way, and so it is. As I said, the fact that YOU do not like it is completely valid. You don't like it, and perhaps you could have left the room, or filed a complaint, or taken other actions. But, it would be because YOU did not enjoy seeing it, not because SHE felt demeaned by performing a lapdance. Obviously, if your friend was upset about her boyfriend receiving a lapdance from someone he did not know, that is something for her to discuss with him, as well as the studio.
Veena · 11/22/2014
If you have an issue with something that goes on in the studio I would suggest talking with the owner and the instructor who made you feel uncomfortable. Be honest about how it made you feel, they may assume that everyone who attends their studio is comfortable with this type of situation, because they are ok with it. People can't fix what they are not aware of. Here's my though on it.....I love giving lap dances, but I personally would never grab a random someone from a pole studio audience unless everyone involved already knew that a lap dance was in the plan. Lap dancing can be very sexual to some and not a big deal to others so when contact of that nature happens everyone involved needs to be comfortable with it.
Iron Lady · 11/23/2014
Hi everyone sorry due to computer issues this is my second account! I just wanted to apologise for not being clear enough and possibly sending mixed messages! I'll be more clear now! I don't have anything against lapdancing in the right context- for me (and this is my opinion but I respect other peoples') lapdancing and sexual pole can be great in the right context. For example, I give my boyfriend lapdances and more 'sexy' pole performances quite often and i think that's fine. But in this context I didn't agree with it because it was someone else's boyfriend, it was not agreed upon beforehand and there was no easy way to get out of it. There was also no warning and there were kids in the audience! I also want to clarify why i thought it was demeaning... This instructors was the only instructor who did not perform any pole dance. She seemed very unenthisiastic about the whole thing and seemed very reluctant as though she was only doing it because she had been told to by the owner of the studio. My friend was not happy about it and pretty much shares my views. Her boyfriend also felt VERY uncomfortable. Thanks for all of your advice regarding changing studios. I am too much of a chicken to directly speak to the owner about this issue so I have decided to write her an anonymous email detailing my concerns. I will be changing studios however. Thanks for all your responses- they were really helpful!
Phoenix Hunter · 11/23/2014
that sucks. for real. dont blame you for wanting to change studios. I would probably feel the same way.
Lina Spiralyne · 11/23/2014
How embarrassing for everyone involved! Most of all for that teacher who probably understood least of all what a stupid thing to do. Well I can only judge from the information you have given. I don't think it matters what kind of pole style we like or a studio teaches, but to do such a thing seems very immature.
PolarGirl · 11/24/2014
Wow, Runemist! Your response was incredibly thoughtful and articulate. I really enjoyed reading this post, although I am sorry that this situation happened.
Phoenix Hunter · 11/24/2014
Whoa!!! I just now noticed you said that there were kids in the audience. :( not very conducive to lapdancing indeed.
The Iron Lady · 11/25/2014
Yes, thanks for all of your replies... It is really helpful to know that I am not just overreacting! Again, my apologies for being unclear at first but I hope everyone understands the context now :( it's such a shame because the instructors and lessons at this studio were really great! But que sara sara!
PinkPhoenix · 11/26/2014
I personally like the sexy part of it. It took me a long time to get comfortable with how my body moves and flows. Figure out what I do that I think is sexy. All of the girls that do go to my studio are there for the sexy stuff because they take what they learn and they use it in the strip clubs. I'm not in that profession, but I do have friends that are and you need to know how to connect with their sexy sensual side. I think that they should have put a limit of sexiness sense it was showcase that all ages could attend. You know what I mean? Or have an age limit. The instructor is a grown woman and showed bad judgement and the dude didn't have to sit there for it. He could have said, "Nah, I'm good and walked off the stage. If she would have pulled my man up my man would have said no thank you and left her looking dumb on stage. lol Also I would have stood up and said something about it. I'm just a person that doesn't stand for nonsense or disrespect. and her doing that to your friend's boyfriend was disrespectful. I hope your friend let's her know that. I wonder if the instructor is just use to getting away with stuff like that? You know? That nobody held her accountable for anything. I would say if you don't like the courses, then simply don't go to them or find a new studio all together. Better yet I think you need to voice your opinion to the instructors maybe see if there were other people that found it inappropriate that will go with you. You know what they say there is safety in numbers. Ask them if they were aware that there were minors there? They might have had a brain fart and possibly forgot. Me myself I would never bring a child to something like that, but that's just me.